Currently Listening The Ugly Organ By Cursive Some Red-Handed Slight of Hand see related

it occurs to me that i lack the vocal aptitude required to get results. perhaps i, like most else, should throw a fit. yes, a tantrum should be had. i, like them, should fall to my knees and wail my discontent. this must be the answer, since civil expression could not suffice. a statement, albeit concise and coherent, is not, for some reason beyond myself, understood without a flailing of the arms. is this not what we are taught, to be reserved in our expression; that people understand when one conveys his inclination passively? civility teaches this, but man is not a civil creature. his language is war. his tongue is emphatic retribution. passion is perceived through barbaric means alone. only when men fight do others understand the gravity of what they fight for. shall i yell to be heard, or is that beneath a civil man?

i wake the same as i turn in; a weight on my chest, salt in my eyes, and the promise of failure on my tongue. this self-inflicted standard is inhumane. i plead my own forgiveness. i beg at the foot of the only executioner who cannot accept my pardon. partiality is unavoidable. how can i let pass the sins i most detest? aspiration straddles the border of self-loathing. i strive for something unattainable. i push. i shunt. i pry. i pray, then drop to wail in my inferiority and curse my finite grasp. perfection dwarfs ambition, and idealism has murdered happiness. contentment is nonexistent. this is home. this is the feeling that keeps me prisoner. this is the valley that looms beneath the summit of accomplishment. goddamn the valley.

Alluring illusion, allude to me.
Allay, bid, the eye so that I might be
A vanishing act of progeny.

"i am a lover, not a fighter." the phrase is a paradox, as if to say "love is not difficult to obtain." my own experience has changed my thoughts on love completely. perspective has taught me that love is, in fact, the most violent and taxing war the heart can wage. love will break a person. it is at the breaking point that the true test of love is revealed. when love breaks you, do you have enough discipline to persevere? when the one you love shows himself or herself to be something less than you first presumed, do you allow him or her the opportunity to injure you again?

romance is severely misunderstood. humanity likes to think that there is a person out there for everyone and that in time you will find "the one." in truth, there is not "one." the person you will marry is not your perfect match. there are a multitude of people that could better compliment your personality. what separates them from "the one?" commitment. it is the difference between significant other and spouse. commitment defines a relationship's stamina. it is the recognition of another's flaws and the will to work through them. it is a recognition of your own flaws and an effort to amend them. the immaturity of our generation says, "love should be easy, and if it isn't, then you must not be in love." love is not something that happens. it is not something you "fall" into. it is a decision. often times the decision is confused with settling, but if both parties are willing to change, if they commit to each other in an honest effort to better serve one another, then are they really settling, or are they simply agreeing to find their "perfect match" in that other person?

of course, most are not willing to take such risks, and love requires that both parties be committed. how can you gauge the sincerity of another? i have not gotten that far.